Love-Hate Relationship with Medication

In the beginning, I was completely against the idea of taking medication. But when I was first prescribed medication as a teenager, I thought, "Alright, give it a try. Maybe it'll help, and you'll feel a lot better."

That turned out to be false—at least for me. I know medication has helped many people struggling with mental health disorders, giving them relief and making it easier to manage daily life. But my experience was different. Over time, I started to resent the medication. Initially, I thought my worsening condition was just my mental health declining, but as I began reflecting on how my life had changed, I realized that the medication took a huge toll on me. The worst part is that the effects of those changes have lasted until now. While things have slightly improved, there are still lingering effects that continue to frustrate me.

When I first started taking the medication, I kept telling myself, "It’s fine, just half a tablet. That’s not too bad, right?"

I suppose medication affects everyone differently. For me, the reason I didn’t like it was that it numbed every emotion I had. Sadness, happiness, anger, excitement, even depression—everything was just gone. I felt nothing, only complete numbness. Some might see that as a kind of relief, and at first, I thought the same, especially since I had wished for the pain to go away. But I didn’t expect to feel worse instead of better. I never wanted it to go that far.

On top of that, I was just a teenage girl at the time, still growing, trying to deal with all the worries about family, school, friends, societal pressures, and my own personal struggles. So, when that constant loop of anxiety in my mind met with depression for no clear reason, it was overwhelming. As much as I wanted to escape the pain, I didn’t want to feel nothing at all. Growing up is supposed to be one of the most exciting times in life—a period of exploration and important decisions. I was supposed to figure out my passions, plan for a career, and make memories with family and friends before adult responsibilities like work and bills took over. But how could I do any of that when I couldn’t feel anything? I couldn’t even tell what I liked or disliked, what I enjoyed or found boring, what I loved or hated.

As much as I despised the overwhelming emotions I was feeling and how they disrupted my daily life, the complete absence of emotion created a dark void inside me. That emptiness eventually led me into my own version of darkness. My mood spiraled from low to even lower, from bad to worse. Over time, I became more depressed and unhealthy—skipping meals, avoiding showers, missing online classes, and not turning in assignments. I got sick more often, relying on different flu medications. I withdrew from everyone, family included, not responding to messages or calls. It all felt meaningless; nothing mattered anymore, and I had no sense of direction.

Fast forward to now, it's strange to find myself craving something I once truly despised. Honestly, I don’t feel an intense need for medication, but with life becoming more challenging as I transition into adulthood, and the weight of responsibilities increasing, it’s hard to manage everything. On top of that, struggling with both my mental and physical health makes juggling all these tasks even more daunting. I can tell that my well-being is slipping, and it’s starting to affect my daily life. That’s why the thought of medication doesn’t seem so bad anymore—maybe it could help ease the pressure. Still, I’m hesitant and afraid of taking it again.

At the moment, I’m not on any medication and am exploring alternative remedies. Right now, I feel that’s a safer option—unless things spiral out of control. I believe medication can be beneficial for certain people, but it’s not always the best solution for everyone. Maybe it would have helped me at a different time, but not during the period I mentioned earlier. Timing and circumstances play a role, and with so many factors at play, there could be multiple possibilities and answers as to why it didn’t work for me then.

If you’re struggling, I highly recommend seeking professional help, such as reaching out to a mental health professional, to improve your well-being. When it comes to whether medication is the right solution for you, that’s definitely something to discuss with your psychologist or counselor. Personally, I’m grateful to have a supportive mental health professional who understands my concerns about taking medication. Together, we’ve found an alternative path to recovery, leading me into a new chapter of my journey.

Of course, it can be frustrating at times. It often feels like I’m starting over, trying new treatments to manage what I’m going through. But I’ve come to realize that life, and the journey it takes us on, isn’t always smooth or how we imagine it to be. There will always be bumps along the way, but think about it—what journey to a destination has ever been completely easy? I’m sure we can all think of something that made us uncomfortable along the way, but it’s all about perspective. That small 1% discomfort doesn’t overshadow the 99% beauty of your story, right?